Bullying

When we talk about bullying it is important to remember that no matter what was said or done, all parties are human beings, and all parties are deserving of serious help and intervention. In the case of many bullies, these are children who have been missing out on positive influences in all facets of their lives, or have been on the receiving end of bullying as well and did not get adequate support. Much of the time these children or adults are ignoring emotions that have a daily impact on their well-being, and if these are not dealt with appropriately, they can escape and lash out at the most convenient target. It is very common for people with non-visible conditions and disorders to take this even more personally. Let's take a look at some examples of an individual with a non-visible condition or disorder, fictional characters, and situations.

1. Anne is a 15 year old girl who was diagnosed with asperger's syndrome at 11 years old. She attends a public school and is in a mainstream classroom, but accesses the resource room for special needs support once a day. She may look plain, and keep her grooming and wardrobe simple. She may be bringing the same food every single day. She probably has tics (stims) and tries to hide them as conveniently as possible underneath the guise of milder forms of similar behaviour she has come to accept from her neurotypical peers. She is exhausting herself daily by living within the confines of typical adolescence, and traditional high school. She has few friends, and sees them rarely. When she is ridiculed or her peers notice her odd behaviour, it is more often than not, a toxicity she cannot deal with, a new sensation, one that cannot be discerned as being positive or negative. She may receive the same looks from those who offer her help.

This person is more prone to self-harm due to bullying, others' expectations, and her own pressures. She is more prone to being bullied simply for behaving differently. 

2. Bobby is a 10 year old boy who spends his school days in an alternative classroom with other children who have a diagnosis of autism. At the end of the day, he gets on the same bus as the other students with ASD, and wonders at the other children who take the larger busses, and he has never met. He is likely a very friendly boy when you get to know him, and would love to know how many of those other children share similar interests and pastimes as he and his classmates. He may wonder, why is he not on the same bus as those other children. When he is with his friends and family they are very considerate to his sensitivities, and he is rarely asked to take chances, everything is done for him, his environments are customized to his or his peers' needs, or he has been taught how to handle and contain himself when in these other environments.

This person is more prone to self-harm because of his vulnerability in unpredictable situations, and his reliance on others for much of his day-to-day life. He is more prone to being bullied simply for being different.

Environments, lifestyles, health, and personal wellness are contributors to bullying.

• enforced conditioning to a set standard that has not been analyzed for its suitability to the individual.
• 'cookie cutter' practices and policies. The reasoning of "we know best, you do not"
• imbalanced growth, based on insistence that emotional regulation and development is secondary to motor functions and cognitive traits.
• malnutrition, undiagnosed food issues, sleep, dehydration, stress.

.... I'm sure we could go on and on about what can loan itself to intensely negative outbursts directed to harm another person, but more often than not, the bully's negativity and strength in punishing others, is derived from the same environment, same circumstances as the person being bullied, who consequently is drained from protecting themselves within those environments, while maintaining a stronger sense of who they are. Conversely, the bully is not able to let life flow through them, and attack those who appear to them to be STRONGER. Yes I said stronger. It is not the weak that the bully intimidates, the bully focuses his/her attention on the individual(s) who have a quality that they cannot find within themselves. At the same time, those who are bullied often are unaware of these qualities they possess and therefore are inadvertently at more risk. 

Essentially, unless it is a personal matter, bullying towards a demographic is a learnt behaviour. Whether it is from their environment they are currently in, or have been in, in the past, they probably suffered an unfair treatment, and never successfully expressed it in a meaningful manner to an obvious end, of betterment.

Here are some complementary or alternate strategies that can be implemented without ignoring the intervention plans of the parent, school, or legal system. 

When a person with autism IS the bully:

- First of all, be sure that the individual can express conscious understanding of his or her challenges, disabilities, or significant issues. Offer them these tools and more to uncover a better understanding.

- remind them of where they come from. show them childhood records, let them meet those who have helped them, and have them talk to someone who was there when the child was at their worst.

- let them live without the label. These kids are often quite used to being treated differently, they may be ready for a new experience, way of life, or sense of identity. Take away the boundaries that are there right now.

- Do not become offensive, but do allow yourself to treat them differently, with full expectations of a neurotypical peer of the same age. 

- take a mini-vacation. Remove the person from their current situation, and spend time outdoors, or in activities that bring them peace and tranquility.

- when they are back into their regular environment, remove all supports attached to the 'autism' diagnosis. 

- encourage them make their own decisions about accommodations, be patient, and supportive.

- online self-assessments are available and although they may seem highly informal, if the test-taker falls within the realm of a plausible diagnosis, it is certainly worth taking seriously.

- do not persist in a zero-tolerance for bullying mind frame. Instead insist on them seeking forgiveness from those they are behaving inappropriately towards, focus on righting wrongs, not avoiding them. 

When a person with autism is being BULLIED:

- encourage them to put themselves in the bully's shoes. Support them as they take the inevitable path through what possible characteristics or actions are inviting such a negative reaction. 

- be there for them as they analyze themselves.

- maintain an aura of objectivity, openness, and understanding.

- when this person finds their faults, encourage them to evaluate them in, a) the way they assume they are being judged; b) through their pent up emotions; c) and last but not least, in realistic terms.

There are online support groups for parents, individuals on the spectrum, and everyone in the autism community. explore these, and offer both the bully and the victims the opportunity to explore these and find like-minded or like-hearted people they can be comfortable with. (of course due diligence when dealing with social media, and forums especially for underage people).

The greatest thing that can be done, is to avoid sugar-coating, nobody is perfect, we all have flaws, and yes these flaws can offend other people; on the other's side, don't punish beyond what is already expected to happen.

The bully has suffered an emotional blow and is struggling to find self-acceptance, or has suffered an extrinsic blow to their core beliefs.

The bullied has come to be reminded of their humanity, and needs to come to terms with their differences, and work towards supporting or compensating for those differences in constructive ways.